While looking around on Pinterest one night this week, I came across the Team Studer blog that featured
"25 Rules for Mothers with Sons". I fell in love with this post. I pray that I can portray each of these topics to Miller every day. I pray that he will never question one ounce of my love for him. I also pray that God will remind me of each of these topics every day. I wanted to post about these "rules" in hopes that I will always remember them.
1. Teach him the words for how he feels.
Your son will scream out of frustration and hide out
of embarrassment. He'll cry from fear and bite out of excitement. Let
his body move by the emotion, but also explain to him what the emotion
is and the appropriate response to that emotion for future reference.
Point out other people who are feeling the same thing and compare how
they are showing that emotion. Talk him through your emotions so that
someday when he is grown, he will know the difference between angry
and embarrassed; between disappointment and grief.
2. Be a cheerleader for his life
There is no doubt that you are the loudest person in the stands at
his t-ball games. There is no doubt that he will tell you to "stop,
mom" when you sing along to his garage band's lyrics. There is no doubt
that he will get red-faced when you show his prom date his pictures
from boy scouts. There is no doubt that he is not telling his prom date
about your blog where you've been bragging about his life from his
first time on the potty to the citizenship award he won in ninth grade.
He will tell you to stop. He will say he's embarrassed. But he will
know that there is at least one person that is always rooting for him.
3. Teach him how to do laundry
..and load the dishwasher, and iron a shirt. He may not always
choose to do it. He may not ever have to do it. But someday his wife
will thank you.
4. Read to him and read with him.
Emilie Buchwald said, "Children become readers on the laps of their
parents." Offer your son the opportunity to learn new things, believe
in pretend places, and imagine bigger possibilities through books. Let
him see you reading...reading the paper, reading novels, reading
magazine articles. Help him understand that writing words down is a way
to be present forever. Writers are the transcribers of history and
memories. They keep a record of how we lived at that time; what we
thought was interesting; how we spoke to each other; what was important.
And Readers help preserve and pass along those memories.
5. Encourage him to dance.
Dance, rhythm, and music are cultural universals. No matter where
you go, no matter who you meet - they have some form of the three. It
doesn't have to be good. Just encourage your son that when he feels it,
it's perfectly fine to go ahead and bust a move.
6. Make sure he has examples of good men who are powerful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity.
The examples of men with big muscles and a uniform (like Batman and LaMarr Woodley) will surround your son from birth. But make sure he also knows about men who kick a$s because of their brains (Albert Einstein), and their pen (Mark Twain), and their words (Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.), and their determination (Team Hoyt), and their ideas (The Wright Brothers), and their integrity (Officer Frank Shankwitz), and fearlessness (Neil Armstrong), and their ability to keep their mouths closed when everyone else is screaming (Jackie Robinson).
7. Make sure he has examples of women who are beautiful because of their brains, their determination, and their integrity
The examples of traditionally beautiful women (like Daphne Blake, Princess Jasmine, and Britney Spears)
will surround your son from birth. But make sure he knows about women
who are beautiful from the inside out because of their brains (Madame Marie Curie), and their pen (Harper Lee), and their words (Eleanor Roosevelt), and their determination (Anne Sullivan), and their ideas (Oprah Winfrey), and their integrity (Miep Gies), and fearlessness (Ameila Earhart), and their ability to open their mouths and take a stand when everyone else is silent (Aung San Suu Kyi).
8. Be an example of a beautiful woman with brains, determination, and integrity.
You already are all of those things. If you ever fear that you are somehow incapable of doing anything - remember this: If you have done any of
the following: a) grew life b) impossibly and inconceivably got it out
of your body c) taken care of a newborn d) made a pain go away with a
kiss e) taught someone to read f) taught a toddler to eat with a utensil
g) cleaned up diarrhea without gagging h) loved a child enough to be
willing to give your life for them (regardless if they are your own) or
i) found a way to be strong when that child is suffering...you are a superhero. do not doubt yourself for one second. Seriously.
9. Teach him to have manners
because its nice. and it will make the world a little better of a place.
10. Give him something to believe in
Because someday he will be afraid, or nervous, or heartbroken, or
lost, or just need you, and you won't be able to be there. Give him
something to turn to when it feels like he is alone, so that he knows
that he will never be alone; never, never, never.
11. Teach him that there are times when you need to be gentle
like with babies, and flowers, and animals, and other people's feelings.
12. Let him ruin his clothes
Resolve to be cool about dirty and ruined clothes. You'll be
fighting a losing battle if you get upset every time he ruins another
piece of clothing. Don't waste your energy being angry about something
inevitable. Boys tend to learn by destroying, jumping, spilling,
falling, and making impossible messes. Dirty, ruined clothes are just
par for the course.
13. Learn how to throw a football
or how to use a hockey stick, or read music, or draw panda bears, or the names of different train engines, or learn
to speak Elvish, or recognize the difference between Gryffindor and Slytherin, or the lyrics to his favorite song. Be in his life, not as an observer but as an active participant.
14. Go outside with him
turn off the television, unplug the video games, put your cellphone
on the charger, even put your camera away. Just go outside and follow
him around. Watch his face, explore his world, and let him ask
questions. It's like magic.
15. Let him lose.
Losing sucks. Everybody isn't always a winner. Even if you want to
say, "You're a winner because you tried," don't. He doesn't feel like a
winner, he feels sad and crappy and disappointed. And that's a good
thing, because sometimes life also sucks, no matter how hard (as moms)
we try to make it not suck for our kids. This practice will do him good
later when he loses again (and again, and again, and again, and
again.....) Instead make sure he understands that - sometimes you win -
sometimes you lose. But that doesn't mean you ever give up.
16. Give him opportunities to help others
There is a big difference in giving someone the opportunity to help
and forcing someone to help. Giving the opportunity lights a flame in
the heart and once the help is done the flame shines brighter and asks
for more opportunities. Be an example of helping others in your own
actions and the way your family helps each other and helps others
together.
17. Remind him that practice makes perfect.
This doesn't just apply to performance-based activities (like sports
and music) but also applies to everything in life. You become a better
writer by writing. You become a better listener by listening. You
become better speaker by speaking. Show your son this when he is just
young enough to understand (that means from birth, folks - they are
making sense of the world as soon as they arrive), practice
trick-or-treating at your own front door before the real thing.
Practice how you will walk through airport security before a trip.
Practice how you order your own food from the fast food cashier.
Practice, practice, practice.
18. Answer him when he asks, "Why?"
Answer him, or search for the answer together. Show him the places
to look for the answers (like his dad, or grandparents, or his
aunts/uncles, or his books, or valid internet searches). Pose the
question to him so he can begin thinking about answers himself.
Someday, when he needs to ask questions he's too embarrassed to ask you
- he'll know where to go to find the right answers.
19. Always carry band-aids and wipes on you.
Especially the wipes.
20. Let his dad teach him how to do things
...without interrupting about how to do it the 'right way.' If you
let his dad show and teach and discover with your son while he is
growing up, some day down the road (after a short period of your son
believing his dad knows nothing), he will come to the realization that
his dad knows everything. You will always be his mother, but in
his grown-up man heart and mind, his dad will know the answers. And
this will be how, when your son is too busy with life to call and chat
with his mom, you will stay connected to what is happening in his life.
Because he will call his dad for answers, and his dad will secretly
come and ask you.
21. Give him something to release his energy
drums, a pen, a punching bag, wide open space, water, a dog. Give
him something to go crazy with - or he will use your stuff. and then
you'll be sorry.
22. Build him forts
Forts have the ability to make everyday normal stuff into magic.
Throw the couch cushions, a couple blankets, and some clothespins and
you can transform your living room into the cave of wonders. For
the rest of his life, he'll be grateful to know that everyday normal
stuff has the potential to be magical.
23. Take him to new places
Because it will make his brain and his heart open up wider, and the ideas and questions and memories will rush in.
24. Kiss him
Any mother of sons will tell you that little boys are so loving and
sweet. They can be harsh and wild and destructive during most of the
day. But there are these moments when they are so kind and sensitive
and tender. So much so that it can cause you to look around at the
inward, reserved grown men in your life and think, 'what happens in
between that made you lose that?' Let's try to stop the cycle by
kissing them when they're loving and kissing them even more when they're
wild. Kissing them when they're 2 months and kissing them when they're
16 years old. You're the mom - you can go ahead and kiss him no matter
how big he gets - and make sure he knows it. p.s. (this one is just
as important for dad's too).
25. Be home base
You are home to him. When he learns to walk, he will wobble a few
feet away from you and then come back, then wobble away a little farther
and then come back. When he tries something new, he will look for your
proud smile. When he learns to read, he will repeat the same book to
you twenty times in a row, because you're the only one who will listen
that many times. When he plays his sport, he will search for your face
in the stands. When he is sick, he will call you. When he really
messes up, he will call you. When he is grown and strong and tough and
big and he feels like crying, he will come to you; because a man can cry
in front of his mother without feeling self-conscious. Even when he
grows up and has a new woman in his life and gets a new home, you are
still his mother; home base, the ever constant, like the sun. Know that
in your heart and everything else will fall into place.
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